I really like to be comfortable. I mean, REALLY like to be comfortable. So comfortable that it can easily become complacent. I recently hit a new season that seemed sweet and awesome and I thought, "I can do this for a while...thank you, Lord!" And then it got real hard, real fast. And now I am being stretched into an even bigger season that is all kinds of uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like God has me in fast forward and if He would just slow down and let my insecurities catch up so I can talk Him out of this plan and explain how unworthy I am and how He's got the wrong girl and, and, and.....oh wait, that might be exactly why He's moving at warp speed.
I felt like I was at a really good place, doing good things, experiencing God like I never had before...but I didn't realize that I was still functioning out of some self-reliance. I was comfortable and enjoying it. And then He threw me into this new season that is wonderful and scary and big and powerful and overwhelming and I. Am. Terrified. There's this thing He's asking of me that I have yet to learn called "total reliance." There's stuff that I had thought I had conquered, but when these new things came along it exposed the fragments that were still lurking behind complacency and comfort. I had created a safe little nook in life where those ugly things never had to be completely dealt with or exposed. I could operate at about 75% and life was pretty darn good! But I'm not sure having a heart that is 75% alive is the abundant life God promised.
There are times when I think I'm super-gracious and full of mercy...just like Jesus, right? I get to 75% alive and want to coast. And then the Lord sweetly shows me this repulsive, ugly, self-righteous, insecure person and I realize that it's me. Gross. Those fragments are still there. But the cool thing about God is that He loves me in spite of the gross things festering in my heart. And He wants so much more for me that He sweetly nudges me out of the comfortable. It's like He's asking me to jump into the deep end of a swimming pool and I'm clinging to the side, terrified to let go. He wants me to be free. And I want to stay where I'm at because at least I know what to expect there. It may not be great and wonderful, but it's pretty good. And sometimes I just want to settle for "pretty good" because I think "pretty good" is already way more than I deserve.
Being stretched is hard and absolutely terrifying. It takes vulnerability and I hate to visit there, let alone live there. Being vulnerable invites others into the deep recesses of my heart to take a peek at the gross things that have been festering there. My human nature would rather just keep them hidden, regardless of what lies are attached to them and what bondage they're keeping me in because it feels comfortable and less scary. Because when we invite others to go there with us, we allow them into our insecurity, giving them the opportunity to reject us and hoping they don't...including God. The funny thing about this is that God already knows what's in there. He's dying for me to let Him in to expose the lies and fill those recesses with His truth. I can stay at "pretty good" or allow Him to take me to "amazing."
I believe God wants us to live a radical, empowered life full of adventure. My wanting to stay small and safe limits the amazing abundance He wants me to live in. My heart is continually wrecked by the ugly that He shows me and overwhelmed by the sweet grace that He gives me. Thank God He loves me enough not to let me stay where I am.
