#killingmonsters

I have fought the same two monsters my entire life. Maybe they are one and the same, but it feels more like an ugly two-headed monster of Perfection and Self-Reliance. And each time I thought I had victory, I realized that I never really slayed the monster but had only cut off one of its heads. And like a spider that loses a leg or a starfish that severed an arm, those heads seemed to regenerate and find their way back to torment me.

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, a little girl believed a lie that she had to be perfect to be worthy of love. So she worked, and she strained, and she tried, and she conformed, and she sacrificed, and she achieved, and she killed herself trying to be good enough to be accepted and loved. She grew up to be valedictorian and a stand-out athlete but the monster Perfection said it wasn't enough. And the monster Self-Reliance said to work harder. And the boogeyman under the bed was Fear and she was certain that if she ever had to meet it, it would surely eat her alive.

She ran hard and fast from those monsters, not realizing that her running was actually their fuel. The more she ran, the bigger they grew. Until one day she met Fear in a dark alley and her life blew up in her face. Everything she had worked for and held sacred, marriage, family and faith, had been turned upside down while everyone watched. And the lie that the little girl, who was now a woman, had believed all those years ago surfaced again and told her it was her fault. That if she was better, more, or something different, the explosion wouldn't have happened. She was liable. And when she had a chance to reject the lie for the second time, she chose instead to embrace it. She voluntarily stayed in a prison of ruthless torment at the hands of the monsters because she believed she deserved it.

Then one day she cried out and met Jesus in a dream. She had always known about Him, but had never met Him for herself and she certainly didn't believe that He could love a failure like her. Jesus exposed the Lie and revealed the Truth and gave her a choice as to which one she would embrace. Could it be that she had believed such a sneaky, sinister Lie her entire life? One that had dominated every facet of her reality up until that point? One that had influenced every choice and decision she had ever made? One that magnified every time she missed the mark and every time she crossed the finish line told her it wasn't enough? It seemed too good to be true. But it was. And so she chose Him. She chose Truth and received Love. Truth looked the monsters of Perfection and Self-Reliance in the eye and cut off their heads. Love chased the boogeyman of Fear out from under her bed. And Jesus healed her heart and promised to restore everything that the enemy had destroyed. The enemy didn't let her go easily but she relied on God and fought for the promise with a ferocity she didn't know was inside of her. Jesus asked her to do some hard things and vowed to be with her and she saw her prayers answered.

Fast forward and the promise was coming true. She married the man of her dreams, had the career she had always hoped for, and was pregnant with the family she had desired. She was grateful for a second chance at the life she didn't think she deserved. But life happened so fast that the Lie that had been dormant had a chance to reawaken and threatened to destroy it all. Self-Reliance was the first to rear its ugly head and said, "You've got to keep going, doing more and holding it all together." Perfection wasn't far behind pointing out her changing body, the constant demands, and the altered expectations. Fear lurked in the corners of her heart whispering that asking for help was a dance with vulnerability that she just couldn't risk. She unconsciously embraced the Lie and found herself exhausted and beat up by an invisible, but familiar foe. And so now, Jesus has once again exposed the Lie and revealed the Truth and everything inside of her is hanging on to those sweet words that say, "You don't have to be enough, because I Am." And each time she embraces that revelation, Jesus is dismantling those monsters one ugly encounter at a time. And this time He's given her an Anointed Fighter to war by her side. With each risk of vulnerability, Fear has less territory in her heart and grip over her mind. Each time, Truth becomes more solid in her spirit and Love overwhelms her soul. The monsters are dying a slow death, but it is a permanent one. It is releasing her from their prison and into the promise that Jesus came to give her.

Tired of Pretending

I've been pretending my whole life. Pretending that I had it all together. Pretending that things didn't bother me. Pretending that I fit in. Pretending that I didn't think my whole life was an empty sham. And you know what happens when you pretend your whole life? You get real sick and tired of pretending.

I grew up in a relatively normal home that put too much emphasis on achieving and putting up a perfect facade. We weren't the country-club going, Lexus driving, Hawaii-vacationing family. But I think we desperately wanted to be. So we got perfect grades and were the best at everything we did. I got straight A's, was valedictorian, and was the best at every sport I played. I won award after award and had my choice of Division I college athletic scholarships in two different sports. I was focused at the expense of fun. The very things that made me great at what I achieved also made me suck at life and relationships.

And then I hit a point where pretending wasn't good enough any more. I craved something with substance. Something authentic. Something real, even if it was messy. I was tired of not being allowed to have an off day. The pressure of perfection is suffocating.

Some days I suck. Some days my faith is shallow. Some days I drop the ball. Some days I feel like the prodigal, choosing the crappy thing and then feeling its shame...preparing my speech of unworthy repentance to come back into the Father's house. But you know what? I never want to be one of those country-club Christians that talk the talk and pretend like they've got it all together. Cause I struggle a lot. And sometimes I'm an a-hole. But I love Jesus in a real and raw way. He shattered the glass house I was living in and saved me from myself. He brought truth and replaced my deception. He freed me from being a slave to pretending.

So I choose not to play the game anymore. I don't want to impress you and I sure as hell don't want to pretend anymore. I'm thankful for a God that loves the prodigal and can love me extravagantly right where I'm at.

Everyone Has a Story...

Everyone has a story. It matters. It is important. It is significant.

We are an incredible mosaic of stories of the human experience. The beauty of that is that not one of them looks exactly alike. When we bring our story to the mosaic, we learn, we grow and we share in the human experience. It is more rich because of our contribution. When you withhold your story, you rob others of a better experience. Actually, I'll call it what it is...selfish. There is someone that needs the encouragement that you speak. There is someone that needs the hope you exhibit. There is someone who needs the life that you impart. There is someone who needs the Jesus that you offer. Who have you robbed lately?

I Ain't No Cinderella...

I didn't come so that you could learn how to be a good Christian or settle into this country-club Christianity, pretending like everything is ok now that you have Jesus. I came to shatter the facade. I came to give you something real. Something raw. Without pretense. Real relationship unlike those that you know.

I love my bride, but don't mistake the body of Christ for Christ himself. I love my bride, but sometimes they get it wrong. I love my bride, but sometimes they miss the mark. I love my bride, but sometimes they lose sight of me in the confines of tradition. Give them grace and love them anyway because you are my bride as well. And sometimes this is you, too. But don't mistake Me for my body.

My heart breaks for you that talk about me, but don't know me. For you who regurgitate what you hear others say about me, but don't find me for yourself. For those of you who are afraid of getting dirty to find real freedom. I mean real freedom. Not better behavior, but real freedom. That's what I came for. Not so that you can pretend like you've got it all together. This life is not a fairy tale. You are not a damsel in distress that needs rescuing. I'm not sending Prince Charming. You are not Cinderella.

You are a warrior.

You are a warrior.

You are a warrior.

I need you to know me for yourself, because when life comes along and challenges what you heard about me, you'd better know where to come to find the truth and not have your house of cards crumble. Cause I've got stuff for you to do. You are significant to my plans. You were created with purpose. And when life gets hard and the enemy comes after you, you'd better hang on to who you know I am, not just some watered down version you've been fed from someone else.

Know me for yourself.

The Ugly Truth Behind Comfort

I really like to be comfortable. I mean, REALLY like to be comfortable. So comfortable that it can easily become complacent. I recently hit a new season that seemed sweet and awesome and I thought, "I can do this for a while...thank you, Lord!" And then it got real hard, real fast. And now I am being stretched into an even bigger season that is all kinds of uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like God has me in fast forward and if He would just slow down and let my insecurities catch up so I can talk Him out of this plan and explain how unworthy I am and how He's got the wrong girl and, and, and.....oh wait, that might be exactly why He's moving at warp speed.

I felt like I was at a really good place, doing good things, experiencing God like I never had before...but I didn't realize that I was still functioning out of some self-reliance. I was comfortable and enjoying it. And then He threw me into this new season that is wonderful and scary and big and powerful and overwhelming and I. Am. Terrified. There's this thing He's asking of me that I have yet to learn called "total reliance." There's stuff that I had thought I had conquered, but when these new things came along it exposed the fragments that were still lurking behind complacency and comfort. I had created a safe little nook in life where those ugly things never had to be completely dealt with or exposed. I could operate at about 75% and life was pretty darn good! But I'm not sure having a heart that is 75% alive is the abundant life God promised.

There are times when I think I'm super-gracious and full of mercy...just like Jesus, right? I get to 75% alive and want to coast. And then the Lord sweetly shows me this repulsive, ugly, self-righteous, insecure person and I realize that it's me. Gross. Those fragments are still there. But the cool thing about God is that He loves me in spite of the gross things festering in my heart. And He wants so much more for me that He sweetly nudges me out of the comfortable. It's like He's asking me to jump into the deep end of a swimming pool and I'm clinging to the side, terrified to let go. He wants me to be free. And I want to stay where I'm at because at least I know what to expect there. It may not be great and wonderful, but it's pretty good. And sometimes I just want to settle for "pretty good" because I think "pretty good" is already way more than I deserve.

Being stretched is hard and absolutely terrifying. It takes vulnerability and I hate to visit there, let alone live there. Being vulnerable invites others into the deep recesses of my heart to take a peek at the gross things that have been festering there. My human nature would rather just keep them hidden, regardless of what lies are attached to them and what bondage they're keeping me in because it feels comfortable and less scary. Because when we invite others to go there with us, we allow them into our insecurity, giving them the opportunity to reject us and hoping they don't...including God. The funny thing about this is that God already knows what's in there. He's dying for me to let Him in to expose the lies and fill those recesses with His truth. I can stay at "pretty good" or allow Him to take me to "amazing."

I believe God wants us to live a radical, empowered life full of adventure. My wanting to stay small and safe limits the amazing abundance He wants me to live in. My heart is continually wrecked by the ugly that He shows me and overwhelmed by the sweet grace that He gives me. Thank God He loves me enough not to let me stay where I am.

About Me....

I love being tall. I love being a mother. I am passionately pursuing a deeper relationship with God and learning to trust Him completely. I am standing on the edge of a new season of life and it kind of freaks me out. I am learning that getting out of my comfort zone can be good and necessary, but it isn't always easy. I always try to see the good in people, almost to a fault. I am learning to set boundaries. I am stubborn, but can admit when I'm wrong. I am a simple person. I love the color green. I love fresh peaches in the summertime. I want to run a marathon and have ran a half. I am more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-kind-of-girl (Pretty Woman) than I thought and I'll try almost anything once. I can't ride roller-coasters anymore without getting sick. I wasn't looking forward to turning 30, but have since decided that I sure as heck don't want to repeat my 20's. I don't have a tattoo. I've always wanted to have red hair. I'm not into political parties, denominations, or other categories. I love to wear sweatpants and high heels, but not necessarily together. I love tiger lilies, daffodils and tulips. I have a beautiful 8-year-old daughter and two crazy dogs that kind of run the show around here. Nothing is greater than hearing her belly-laugh. She inspires me every single day.

Happy Mother's Day

To all my fellow Moms:

I am a mother. I am blessed to have that title. Even though life can be challenging, it is full.

There are days when I’m not sure I can get through another day. There are days when I don’t know how I’m going to get it all done. There are days when I want to cry, scream, and throw a fit. There are days when I look around for the adult in the room. And then my heart drops just a little bit when I realize that the only adult in the room is me. There are days when I’m overwhelmed. They are days when I can’t remember when the last time my bathtub saw a good scrubbing. There are days when I have to hand wash dishes for dinner because they’ve been sitting in the sink for several days. There are days when my grass is so tall you could lose a small dog in my yard. There are days I have to stop and smell my child because I can’t remember if she had a bath today. There are a lot of those crazy, chaotic, flyin-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-kind-of-days.

But then there are days where my child stops to give me a kiss for no reason. There are nights when she sneaks into my bed just to cuddle. And on those nights she usually whispers, “Mommy, hold me a little tighter.” There are days where she finally conquers a fear that has been tormenting her for months. There are days that she handles a bully with class and grace. There are days when asked about her faith, she responds with passion and confidence. There are days when she excels and surpasses my good-intentioned limitations. There are days when she shares a secret with me and my heart smiles. There are days when my child goes out of her way to show kindness to another person. There are days when the smile on her face melts away the weight of this world. There are days when God gives me a glimpse of the young woman she is becoming and all that He holds in her future. It’s just a glimpse, but man, are those days really good. And thankfully, there are a lot more of those days than the others. Every hard and difficult thing I’ve had to go through and overcome as a mother for that child is worth it. Sometimes I wonder how I deserved such an amazing little creation…and it hits me, I totally don’t. But by His grace, He thought I could handle this and steward such an amazing blessing. Because she’s really His. He chose me. And He trusted me with her. And for that I will be infinitely humbled and eternally grateful.

Proverbs 31:28-31
 "Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

“Many women do noble things,

but you surpass them all.”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Honor her for all that her hands have done,

and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

Happy Mother’s Day. May your children rise up and call you blessed. Many women do noble things, but you, my friends, you surpass them all. Outward appearance is momentary, but we praise you because you love the Lord. May you be honored for all that your hands have done and may your works be praised in this city.