Tired of Pretending

I've been pretending my whole life. Pretending that I had it all together. Pretending that things didn't bother me. Pretending that I fit in. Pretending that I didn't think my whole life was an empty sham. And you know what happens when you pretend your whole life? You get real sick and tired of pretending.

I grew up in a relatively normal home that put too much emphasis on achieving and putting up a perfect facade. We weren't the country-club going, Lexus driving, Hawaii-vacationing family. But I think we desperately wanted to be. So we got perfect grades and were the best at everything we did. I got straight A's, was valedictorian, and was the best at every sport I played. I won award after award and had my choice of Division I college athletic scholarships in two different sports. I was focused at the expense of fun. The very things that made me great at what I achieved also made me suck at life and relationships.

And then I hit a point where pretending wasn't good enough any more. I craved something with substance. Something authentic. Something real, even if it was messy. I was tired of not being allowed to have an off day. The pressure of perfection is suffocating.

Some days I suck. Some days my faith is shallow. Some days I drop the ball. Some days I feel like the prodigal, choosing the crappy thing and then feeling its shame...preparing my speech of unworthy repentance to come back into the Father's house. But you know what? I never want to be one of those country-club Christians that talk the talk and pretend like they've got it all together. Cause I struggle a lot. And sometimes I'm an a-hole. But I love Jesus in a real and raw way. He shattered the glass house I was living in and saved me from myself. He brought truth and replaced my deception. He freed me from being a slave to pretending.

So I choose not to play the game anymore. I don't want to impress you and I sure as hell don't want to pretend anymore. I'm thankful for a God that loves the prodigal and can love me extravagantly right where I'm at.

Everyone Has a Story...

Everyone has a story. It matters. It is important. It is significant.

We are an incredible mosaic of stories of the human experience. The beauty of that is that not one of them looks exactly alike. When we bring our story to the mosaic, we learn, we grow and we share in the human experience. It is more rich because of our contribution. When you withhold your story, you rob others of a better experience. Actually, I'll call it what it is...selfish. There is someone that needs the encouragement that you speak. There is someone that needs the hope you exhibit. There is someone who needs the life that you impart. There is someone who needs the Jesus that you offer. Who have you robbed lately?

I Ain't No Cinderella...

I didn't come so that you could learn how to be a good Christian or settle into this country-club Christianity, pretending like everything is ok now that you have Jesus. I came to shatter the facade. I came to give you something real. Something raw. Without pretense. Real relationship unlike those that you know.

I love my bride, but don't mistake the body of Christ for Christ himself. I love my bride, but sometimes they get it wrong. I love my bride, but sometimes they miss the mark. I love my bride, but sometimes they lose sight of me in the confines of tradition. Give them grace and love them anyway because you are my bride as well. And sometimes this is you, too. But don't mistake Me for my body.

My heart breaks for you that talk about me, but don't know me. For you who regurgitate what you hear others say about me, but don't find me for yourself. For those of you who are afraid of getting dirty to find real freedom. I mean real freedom. Not better behavior, but real freedom. That's what I came for. Not so that you can pretend like you've got it all together. This life is not a fairy tale. You are not a damsel in distress that needs rescuing. I'm not sending Prince Charming. You are not Cinderella.

You are a warrior.

You are a warrior.

You are a warrior.

I need you to know me for yourself, because when life comes along and challenges what you heard about me, you'd better know where to come to find the truth and not have your house of cards crumble. Cause I've got stuff for you to do. You are significant to my plans. You were created with purpose. And when life gets hard and the enemy comes after you, you'd better hang on to who you know I am, not just some watered down version you've been fed from someone else.

Know me for yourself.

The Ugly Truth Behind Comfort

I really like to be comfortable. I mean, REALLY like to be comfortable. So comfortable that it can easily become complacent. I recently hit a new season that seemed sweet and awesome and I thought, "I can do this for a while...thank you, Lord!" And then it got real hard, real fast. And now I am being stretched into an even bigger season that is all kinds of uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like God has me in fast forward and if He would just slow down and let my insecurities catch up so I can talk Him out of this plan and explain how unworthy I am and how He's got the wrong girl and, and, and.....oh wait, that might be exactly why He's moving at warp speed.

I felt like I was at a really good place, doing good things, experiencing God like I never had before...but I didn't realize that I was still functioning out of some self-reliance. I was comfortable and enjoying it. And then He threw me into this new season that is wonderful and scary and big and powerful and overwhelming and I. Am. Terrified. There's this thing He's asking of me that I have yet to learn called "total reliance." There's stuff that I had thought I had conquered, but when these new things came along it exposed the fragments that were still lurking behind complacency and comfort. I had created a safe little nook in life where those ugly things never had to be completely dealt with or exposed. I could operate at about 75% and life was pretty darn good! But I'm not sure having a heart that is 75% alive is the abundant life God promised.

There are times when I think I'm super-gracious and full of mercy...just like Jesus, right? I get to 75% alive and want to coast. And then the Lord sweetly shows me this repulsive, ugly, self-righteous, insecure person and I realize that it's me. Gross. Those fragments are still there. But the cool thing about God is that He loves me in spite of the gross things festering in my heart. And He wants so much more for me that He sweetly nudges me out of the comfortable. It's like He's asking me to jump into the deep end of a swimming pool and I'm clinging to the side, terrified to let go. He wants me to be free. And I want to stay where I'm at because at least I know what to expect there. It may not be great and wonderful, but it's pretty good. And sometimes I just want to settle for "pretty good" because I think "pretty good" is already way more than I deserve.

Being stretched is hard and absolutely terrifying. It takes vulnerability and I hate to visit there, let alone live there. Being vulnerable invites others into the deep recesses of my heart to take a peek at the gross things that have been festering there. My human nature would rather just keep them hidden, regardless of what lies are attached to them and what bondage they're keeping me in because it feels comfortable and less scary. Because when we invite others to go there with us, we allow them into our insecurity, giving them the opportunity to reject us and hoping they don't...including God. The funny thing about this is that God already knows what's in there. He's dying for me to let Him in to expose the lies and fill those recesses with His truth. I can stay at "pretty good" or allow Him to take me to "amazing."

I believe God wants us to live a radical, empowered life full of adventure. My wanting to stay small and safe limits the amazing abundance He wants me to live in. My heart is continually wrecked by the ugly that He shows me and overwhelmed by the sweet grace that He gives me. Thank God He loves me enough not to let me stay where I am.

About Me....

I love being tall. I love being a mother. I am passionately pursuing a deeper relationship with God and learning to trust Him completely. I am standing on the edge of a new season of life and it kind of freaks me out. I am learning that getting out of my comfort zone can be good and necessary, but it isn't always easy. I always try to see the good in people, almost to a fault. I am learning to set boundaries. I am stubborn, but can admit when I'm wrong. I am a simple person. I love the color green. I love fresh peaches in the summertime. I want to run a marathon and have ran a half. I am more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-kind-of-girl (Pretty Woman) than I thought and I'll try almost anything once. I can't ride roller-coasters anymore without getting sick. I wasn't looking forward to turning 30, but have since decided that I sure as heck don't want to repeat my 20's. I don't have a tattoo. I've always wanted to have red hair. I'm not into political parties, denominations, or other categories. I love to wear sweatpants and high heels, but not necessarily together. I love tiger lilies, daffodils and tulips. I have a beautiful 8-year-old daughter and two crazy dogs that kind of run the show around here. Nothing is greater than hearing her belly-laugh. She inspires me every single day.

Happy Mother's Day

To all my fellow Moms:

I am a mother. I am blessed to have that title. Even though life can be challenging, it is full.

There are days when I’m not sure I can get through another day. There are days when I don’t know how I’m going to get it all done. There are days when I want to cry, scream, and throw a fit. There are days when I look around for the adult in the room. And then my heart drops just a little bit when I realize that the only adult in the room is me. There are days when I’m overwhelmed. They are days when I can’t remember when the last time my bathtub saw a good scrubbing. There are days when I have to hand wash dishes for dinner because they’ve been sitting in the sink for several days. There are days when my grass is so tall you could lose a small dog in my yard. There are days I have to stop and smell my child because I can’t remember if she had a bath today. There are a lot of those crazy, chaotic, flyin-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-kind-of-days.

But then there are days where my child stops to give me a kiss for no reason. There are nights when she sneaks into my bed just to cuddle. And on those nights she usually whispers, “Mommy, hold me a little tighter.” There are days where she finally conquers a fear that has been tormenting her for months. There are days that she handles a bully with class and grace. There are days when asked about her faith, she responds with passion and confidence. There are days when she excels and surpasses my good-intentioned limitations. There are days when she shares a secret with me and my heart smiles. There are days when my child goes out of her way to show kindness to another person. There are days when the smile on her face melts away the weight of this world. There are days when God gives me a glimpse of the young woman she is becoming and all that He holds in her future. It’s just a glimpse, but man, are those days really good. And thankfully, there are a lot more of those days than the others. Every hard and difficult thing I’ve had to go through and overcome as a mother for that child is worth it. Sometimes I wonder how I deserved such an amazing little creation…and it hits me, I totally don’t. But by His grace, He thought I could handle this and steward such an amazing blessing. Because she’s really His. He chose me. And He trusted me with her. And for that I will be infinitely humbled and eternally grateful.

Proverbs 31:28-31
 "Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

“Many women do noble things,

but you surpass them all.”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Honor her for all that her hands have done,

and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

Happy Mother’s Day. May your children rise up and call you blessed. Many women do noble things, but you, my friends, you surpass them all. Outward appearance is momentary, but we praise you because you love the Lord. May you be honored for all that your hands have done and may your works be praised in this city.

When Things Happen

Sometimes things happen that pique the sense of urgency that tomorrow is never guaranteed. Sometimes we need a gentle nudge to hasten us to that thing that we put off until tomorrow. Sometimes it's too late. And sometimes we get actually get another chance. Good intentions are never enough. They remain the "what ifs" and "when I get to its" in this world. Unfortunately, they don't carry over to the next. They linger, never getting the sweet satisfaction of fulfillment. Please don't let your "when I get to it" have eternal consequences.

A Call To Rise Up

Precious Daughters,

There is a fight on our hands...not just a fight, but a war. A war in our nation, our workplaces, our schools and our homes. It's a war for the lost, the disheartened, the hurting, the broken. It's a war for the family. It's a war for an entire generation. You and your children represent  the next wave of history and how the Kingdom of God will impact it. Or how it won't. As a believer and follower of Jesus, you threw your name in the hat to participate.

God says, "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. I had a specific purpose and place in my Kingdom in mind when I created you. I didn't make a mistake. Did you hear that? I didn't make a mistake! I gave you gifts and talents unlike anyone else and placed them deep in your heart. I formed and fashioned you in the womb, knowing full well the destiny I have for you. I even foresaw how the enemy was going to try and steal that destiny and I said, 'Go ahead and try. The giftings and calling of God are irrevocable. And what the enemy  intended for evil, I use for good.' I'm going to use it to bring you close to me, for you to be able to see the miraculous, for you to experience my healing, to give you a testimony, to develop and refine your character so that it can handle what I've called you to do. I'm developing warriors in the spirit and teaching you how to wield your weapons. I'm using it to develop community, for you to lean on and also support, your brothers and sisters because I'm creating an army and you're going to need each other."

It's time to get righteously angry at the right thing. Because we don't war against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities, against the rulers of darkness of this age. Your enemy is not your ex-husband or the father of your children or the person that did that horrible thing to you. It's the evil one that's behind all of it, that is out to steal, kill and destroy both you and your children. He wants you to opt out, give up and turn back. And I'm here to encourage you to rise up and fight. Fight for our children, for our own lives, for the abundant life God promised. Let's fight together because we'll never make it alone.

This Generation

My heart breaks for this generation. For the things they have to endure. For the challenges that face them. For the temptations around them. For the heartbreak they feel. For the wounds from absent parents. For the heartache from life gone awry. For being forced to grow up too fast. I am just one person. How did all of these amazing, beautiful children end up in my life as young adults, wounded, scarred, and hurting? Trying to make it in life, clueless as to where they're going.

My heart grieves for them. For the childhood they never got to experience. For the burdens placed on their frail shoulders at a much too young age. For seeing things they were never meant to see and experiencing things they were never meant to taste. I am just one person. I'm not sure my heart can handle hearing any more. And yet they keep coming, and pouring out the pain behind a veil of aloofness and indifference. Wishing someone would hear beyond their vague words and see behind the smokescreen of protection.

My heart aches for the truth they do not know. For the lies they have believed. For the destinies that are sitting on the sidelines of self-sufficiency, in bondage to the after-effects of a chaotic childhood. To scared to take a risk, to wounded to become vulnerable. But they can't keep it in any longer. It spills over and the pain leaks out. They try to manage it and contain it, but once the floodgate is open they can no longer bring back the tidal wave. I am just one person. But I refuse to sit behind apathy and indifference and pretend like it's all ok.

My heart groans for the precious lives that think they don't matter. For the ones just aching to be noticed. To be told they are special and important. They act out and we judge them. The speak out and we condemn them. They reach out and we pretend like we can't see them. This is the next generation, our hope and our future. Lost, broken, captive. If you listen close enough, you can hear them crying out. Our own iniquity has put them in a battle too big for them to fight alone. I am just one person. But if my heart breaks and yours does too, what will we do? When will we stop, see, hear and notice? And when will we respond with love, grace, kindness and mercy? Rise up, my friend, and reach out. There is one out there that needs you.

Excellence For Today

I think God talks to me the best and the most when I’m running. I’m currently trying to reclaim my status as a runner, coming back from a hip injury that I sustained almost a year ago. Just in the last week of running outdoors, I was quickly reminded of how clear my head and heart are when I run and how easily I hear God’s voice. I always think, "Why has it been so long since I've done this?" And then I go about another mile and start struggling and things start to hurt and I remember why it's been so long. But God and I always go deep on these runs. As a single mom, I think it's the quiet, undistracted time alone, and as a former athlete, I think it's there's a significant mind, body, spirit connection that kind of gets everything back in sync when running.

This last time out, God was reminding me about the difference between “perfection” and “excellence.” I like to joke that I’m a recovering perfectionist, but in all seriousness there was a time when I really believed that I was unworthy of love if I wasn’t perfect. Well, if you’ve ever strived for it and failed, you know that perfection is unattainable. But I think all athletes that have competed on a semi-serious level struggle with this: you're only as good as your last performance.  And a lot of coaches, fans, and commentators are much too happy to point this out. In this day and age of social media and statistics for every single thing you do, you really can't avoid the evidence around you. The fear of failure can be a great motivator, as well as a horrible tormenter. It’s exhausting trying to be your own god...thinking you can take His place in all of your human perfection and be ok.

Maybe I should just call it what it is: self-reliance. I think I can do it all and don’t need help. Talk about a perfect set-up for failure. But as I’ve come to the end of myself and realize that God is calling me to something far greater than I can possibly be, do and become on my own, I’m beginning to see that excellence for today is a worthy goal. God has called me to be excellent, to do everything set before me like I’m doing it for Him. And guess what? He doesn’t need my perfection, or my self-reliance, because He can’t use either of those. What He can use though is my brokenness, my surrendered will, my teachable heart, and my humility to bring glory to His Kingdom. If all I do is strive for excellence today, I will have made my Daddy’s heart smile.