#killingmonsters

I have fought the same two monsters my entire life. Maybe they are one and the same, but it feels more like an ugly two-headed monster of Perfection and Self-Reliance. And each time I thought I had victory, I realized that I never really slayed the monster but had only cut off one of its heads. And like a spider that loses a leg or a starfish that severed an arm, those heads seemed to regenerate and find their way back to torment me.

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, a little girl believed a lie that she had to be perfect to be worthy of love. So she worked, and she strained, and she tried, and she conformed, and she sacrificed, and she achieved, and she killed herself trying to be good enough to be accepted and loved. She grew up to be valedictorian and a stand-out athlete but the monster Perfection said it wasn't enough. And the monster Self-Reliance said to work harder. And the boogeyman under the bed was Fear and she was certain that if she ever had to meet it, it would surely eat her alive.

She ran hard and fast from those monsters, not realizing that her running was actually their fuel. The more she ran, the bigger they grew. Until one day she met Fear in a dark alley and her life blew up in her face. Everything she had worked for and held sacred, marriage, family and faith, had been turned upside down while everyone watched. And the lie that the little girl, who was now a woman, had believed all those years ago surfaced again and told her it was her fault. That if she was better, more, or something different, the explosion wouldn't have happened. She was liable. And when she had a chance to reject the lie for the second time, she chose instead to embrace it. She voluntarily stayed in a prison of ruthless torment at the hands of the monsters because she believed she deserved it.

Then one day she cried out and met Jesus in a dream. She had always known about Him, but had never met Him for herself and she certainly didn't believe that He could love a failure like her. Jesus exposed the Lie and revealed the Truth and gave her a choice as to which one she would embrace. Could it be that she had believed such a sneaky, sinister Lie her entire life? One that had dominated every facet of her reality up until that point? One that had influenced every choice and decision she had ever made? One that magnified every time she missed the mark and every time she crossed the finish line told her it wasn't enough? It seemed too good to be true. But it was. And so she chose Him. She chose Truth and received Love. Truth looked the monsters of Perfection and Self-Reliance in the eye and cut off their heads. Love chased the boogeyman of Fear out from under her bed. And Jesus healed her heart and promised to restore everything that the enemy had destroyed. The enemy didn't let her go easily but she relied on God and fought for the promise with a ferocity she didn't know was inside of her. Jesus asked her to do some hard things and vowed to be with her and she saw her prayers answered.

Fast forward and the promise was coming true. She married the man of her dreams, had the career she had always hoped for, and was pregnant with the family she had desired. She was grateful for a second chance at the life she didn't think she deserved. But life happened so fast that the Lie that had been dormant had a chance to reawaken and threatened to destroy it all. Self-Reliance was the first to rear its ugly head and said, "You've got to keep going, doing more and holding it all together." Perfection wasn't far behind pointing out her changing body, the constant demands, and the altered expectations. Fear lurked in the corners of her heart whispering that asking for help was a dance with vulnerability that she just couldn't risk. She unconsciously embraced the Lie and found herself exhausted and beat up by an invisible, but familiar foe. And so now, Jesus has once again exposed the Lie and revealed the Truth and everything inside of her is hanging on to those sweet words that say, "You don't have to be enough, because I Am." And each time she embraces that revelation, Jesus is dismantling those monsters one ugly encounter at a time. And this time He's given her an Anointed Fighter to war by her side. With each risk of vulnerability, Fear has less territory in her heart and grip over her mind. Each time, Truth becomes more solid in her spirit and Love overwhelms her soul. The monsters are dying a slow death, but it is a permanent one. It is releasing her from their prison and into the promise that Jesus came to give her.