Tired of Pretending

I've been pretending my whole life. Pretending that I had it all together. Pretending that things didn't bother me. Pretending that I fit in. Pretending that I didn't think my whole life was an empty sham. And you know what happens when you pretend your whole life? You get real sick and tired of pretending.

I grew up in a relatively normal home that put too much emphasis on achieving and putting up a perfect facade. We weren't the country-club going, Lexus driving, Hawaii-vacationing family. But I think we desperately wanted to be. So we got perfect grades and were the best at everything we did. I got straight A's, was valedictorian, and was the best at every sport I played. I won award after award and had my choice of Division I college athletic scholarships in two different sports. I was focused at the expense of fun. The very things that made me great at what I achieved also made me suck at life and relationships.

And then I hit a point where pretending wasn't good enough any more. I craved something with substance. Something authentic. Something real, even if it was messy. I was tired of not being allowed to have an off day. The pressure of perfection is suffocating.

Some days I suck. Some days my faith is shallow. Some days I drop the ball. Some days I feel like the prodigal, choosing the crappy thing and then feeling its shame...preparing my speech of unworthy repentance to come back into the Father's house. But you know what? I never want to be one of those country-club Christians that talk the talk and pretend like they've got it all together. Cause I struggle a lot. And sometimes I'm an a-hole. But I love Jesus in a real and raw way. He shattered the glass house I was living in and saved me from myself. He brought truth and replaced my deception. He freed me from being a slave to pretending.

So I choose not to play the game anymore. I don't want to impress you and I sure as hell don't want to pretend anymore. I'm thankful for a God that loves the prodigal and can love me extravagantly right where I'm at.